My Own Kid- Celebrating Small Victories
I'm not just a special educator and therapist, I am also a parent of 2 children with IEPs. So, I play both sides of the table. My oldest has been through a variety of special education certifications: early childhood developmental delay (whatever that means), otherwise health impaired (which really means ADHD most of the time), emotionally impaired (due to an anxiety disorder), and back to otherwise health impaired.
Certain things have always been constant with him. #1 he gets anxious and upset if he feels he isn't able to do his best. #2 he doesn't do well in large groups of people. #3 he works at a snails pace and gets distracted easily. Over time, I have learned to deal with the perfectionism and the slow way that he works but the issue with groups of people is what's bothering me currently.
Despite the early difficulties, I thought that by 14 he'd have found a decent social group but, year by year, his social group is dwindling away. He is now down to 2 friends that he would actually consider inviting to the house and one of them appears to be on the outs. I could see the last time the kid was over that he had lost patience with my son. They were working on a project and I could tell he couldn't wait to get it over with and leave.
It's weird because he's not an outcast. Every time we go to the mall or out in the community, someone says hello and waves at him. For the most part, kids seem to like him but he just doesn't really know how to make a more personal connections with them. And, it doesn't seem like something he really wants. It's not like he complains of being bored or lonely.
In some ways, I know that this is mainly my problem. That I am the one who wishes he had friends to go hang out with instead of just sitting around the house watching Youtube. Whenever we go to a school event, it really hurts to see all the kids in their groups of friends while mine is sitting with the family. I hurt for him even when he doesn't hurt himself. Also, it would be nice to have a weekend where he actually left the house. I always feel stuck planning something for us to do.
So, given the situation, any small glimmers of social interaction are huge victories. Recently we had one of those. I all but forced my son to join the drama club. It's not that he didn't want to, he was just indifferent. I told him that he was required to have a school activity for his college application. He has always done theater so it seemed like the best of the choices that they had. Every week I'd say, "how was drama club?" to which he'd reply, "it was OK (unenthusiastically)." He never really said much or talked about the people. In terms of friendships, he reported making a lot of acquaintances but no real friends.
This past weekend was the drama club play. I asked if they were going to do a cast party after the show. A day later he reported that last year they had gone to a local restaurant afterward. So the night of the last show, I told him to keep his ears open to find out if anyone was going out after. I had little hope that he would actually pay attention enough to find out the location of the outing but at least I had to try. I fully expected him to say that he had no idea where anyone was going and that he just wanted to go home.
Instead, he came running out after the show and said excitedly, "everyone is going to Culver's. Is that OK?" His dad and I looked at each other with a mix of shock and joy on our faces. "Of course!" we replied. And even though we had my 74 year old mother-in-law with us (who probably just wanted to go home), we all went out for ice cream. I left my son in line with some money to get himself something and went to sit down with the family. I could see the cast at a long table which was quickly filling up. I felt the joy leave me as I imagined that they would run out of chairs at that table and he would have to come sit with us. Or, that he would just automatically sit with us and not his peers.
Well, I saw him heading to the table area with his order and joy filled us again as he actually sat with his peers. I know it might sound silly to be so happy about this but it's absolutely HUGE that he sat with them and chatted them up until the group got up to leave. The entire time I nervously eyed my tired mother-in-law but I had already made up my mind that we were not leaving until he was done socializing. Not a second sooner.
It was one of those rare moments where I caught a glimpse of normal. A normal that I rarely get to experience. Now, I'm not saying that I have it hard. In grand scheme of things, I have it very easy. I have a nice, kind, polite, smart kid who does well in school. He and I have to work very hard for that, but that's life and he won't be surprised by the hard work to come. I guess what I am trying to say is, celebrate these small victories as they will make the big obstacles a little bit easier to climb when they come.
Despite the early difficulties, I thought that by 14 he'd have found a decent social group but, year by year, his social group is dwindling away. He is now down to 2 friends that he would actually consider inviting to the house and one of them appears to be on the outs. I could see the last time the kid was over that he had lost patience with my son. They were working on a project and I could tell he couldn't wait to get it over with and leave.
It's weird because he's not an outcast. Every time we go to the mall or out in the community, someone says hello and waves at him. For the most part, kids seem to like him but he just doesn't really know how to make a more personal connections with them. And, it doesn't seem like something he really wants. It's not like he complains of being bored or lonely.
In some ways, I know that this is mainly my problem. That I am the one who wishes he had friends to go hang out with instead of just sitting around the house watching Youtube. Whenever we go to a school event, it really hurts to see all the kids in their groups of friends while mine is sitting with the family. I hurt for him even when he doesn't hurt himself. Also, it would be nice to have a weekend where he actually left the house. I always feel stuck planning something for us to do.
So, given the situation, any small glimmers of social interaction are huge victories. Recently we had one of those. I all but forced my son to join the drama club. It's not that he didn't want to, he was just indifferent. I told him that he was required to have a school activity for his college application. He has always done theater so it seemed like the best of the choices that they had. Every week I'd say, "how was drama club?" to which he'd reply, "it was OK (unenthusiastically)." He never really said much or talked about the people. In terms of friendships, he reported making a lot of acquaintances but no real friends.
This past weekend was the drama club play. I asked if they were going to do a cast party after the show. A day later he reported that last year they had gone to a local restaurant afterward. So the night of the last show, I told him to keep his ears open to find out if anyone was going out after. I had little hope that he would actually pay attention enough to find out the location of the outing but at least I had to try. I fully expected him to say that he had no idea where anyone was going and that he just wanted to go home.
Instead, he came running out after the show and said excitedly, "everyone is going to Culver's. Is that OK?" His dad and I looked at each other with a mix of shock and joy on our faces. "Of course!" we replied. And even though we had my 74 year old mother-in-law with us (who probably just wanted to go home), we all went out for ice cream. I left my son in line with some money to get himself something and went to sit down with the family. I could see the cast at a long table which was quickly filling up. I felt the joy leave me as I imagined that they would run out of chairs at that table and he would have to come sit with us. Or, that he would just automatically sit with us and not his peers.
Well, I saw him heading to the table area with his order and joy filled us again as he actually sat with his peers. I know it might sound silly to be so happy about this but it's absolutely HUGE that he sat with them and chatted them up until the group got up to leave. The entire time I nervously eyed my tired mother-in-law but I had already made up my mind that we were not leaving until he was done socializing. Not a second sooner.
It was one of those rare moments where I caught a glimpse of normal. A normal that I rarely get to experience. Now, I'm not saying that I have it hard. In grand scheme of things, I have it very easy. I have a nice, kind, polite, smart kid who does well in school. He and I have to work very hard for that, but that's life and he won't be surprised by the hard work to come. I guess what I am trying to say is, celebrate these small victories as they will make the big obstacles a little bit easier to climb when they come.
posted by tmigirl @ 4:11 PM
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