My Own Kid- Celebrating Small Victories

I'm not just a special educator and therapist, I am also a parent of 2 children with IEPs.  So, I play both sides of the table.  My oldest has been through a variety of special education certifications: early childhood developmental delay (whatever that means), otherwise health impaired (which really means ADHD most of the time), emotionally impaired (due to an anxiety disorder), and back to otherwise health impaired.

Certain things have always been constant with him. #1 he gets anxious and upset if he feels he isn't able to do his best.  #2 he doesn't do well in large groups of people.  #3 he works at a snails pace and gets distracted easily.  Over time, I have learned to deal with the perfectionism and the slow way that he works but the issue with groups of people is what's bothering me currently.

Despite the early difficulties, I thought that by 14 he'd have found a decent social group but, year by year, his social group is dwindling away.  He is now down to 2 friends that he would actually consider inviting to the house and one of them appears to be on the outs. I could see the last time the kid was over that he had lost patience with my son.  They were working on a project and I could tell he couldn't wait to get it over with and leave.

It's weird because he's not an outcast.  Every time we go to the mall or out in the community, someone says hello and waves at him.  For the most part, kids seem to like him but he just doesn't really know how to make a more personal connections with them.  And, it doesn't seem like something he really wants.  It's not like he complains of being bored or lonely.

In some ways, I know that this is mainly my problem.  That I am the one who wishes he had friends to go hang out with instead of just sitting around the house watching Youtube.  Whenever we go to a school event, it really hurts to see all the kids in their groups of friends while mine is sitting with the family. I hurt for him even when he doesn't hurt himself.  Also, it would be nice to have a weekend where he actually left the house.  I always feel stuck planning something for us to do.

So, given the situation, any small glimmers of social interaction are huge victories.  Recently we had one of those.  I all but forced my son to join the drama club.  It's not that he didn't want to, he was just indifferent.  I told him that he was required to have a school activity for his college application. He has always done theater so it seemed like the best of the choices that they had.  Every week I'd say, "how was drama club?" to which he'd reply, "it was OK (unenthusiastically)."  He never really said much or talked about the people.  In terms of friendships, he reported making a lot of acquaintances but no real friends.

This past weekend was the drama club play.  I asked if they were going to do a cast party after the show.  A day later he reported that last year they had gone to a local restaurant afterward.  So the night of the last show, I told him to keep his ears open to find out if anyone was going out after.  I had little hope that he would actually pay attention enough to find out the location of the outing but at least I had to try.  I fully expected him to say that he had no idea where anyone was going and that he just wanted to go home.

Instead, he came running out after the show and said excitedly, "everyone is going to Culver's. Is that OK?"  His dad and I looked at each other with a mix of shock and joy on our faces.  "Of course!" we replied.  And even though we had my 74 year old mother-in-law with us (who probably just wanted to go home), we all went out for ice cream.  I left my son in line with some money to get himself something and went to sit down with the family.  I could see the cast at a long table which was quickly filling up.  I felt the joy leave me as I imagined that they would run out of chairs at that table and he would have to come sit with us.  Or, that he would just automatically sit with us and not his peers.

Well, I saw him heading to the table area with his order and joy filled us again as he actually sat with his peers.  I know it might sound silly to be so happy about this but it's absolutely HUGE that he sat with them and chatted them up until the group got up to leave.  The entire time I nervously eyed my tired mother-in-law but I had already made up my mind that we were not leaving until he was done socializing.  Not a second sooner.

It was one of those rare moments where I caught a glimpse of normal.  A normal that I rarely get to experience.  Now, I'm not saying that I have it hard.  In grand scheme of things, I have it very easy.  I have a nice, kind, polite, smart kid who does well in school.  He and I have to work very hard for that, but that's life and he won't be surprised by the hard work to come.  I guess what I am trying to say is, celebrate these small victories as they will make the big obstacles a little bit easier to climb when they come.

The Attendance Requirement of the Teacher Evaluation System... and the dirty little secret your teacher isn't telling you

This year was the first year that the Michigan Teacher Evaluation System added an attendance requirement to the teacher rating system.  The teacher rating system is a set of standards by which your child's teacher is judged to be one of 4 ratings: ineffective, minimally effective, effective, and highly effective.  So far the rating scale includes student growth data, a series of goals set for your child's class by the teacher with the hopes of improving performance.  It's like a series of mini research projects using strategies to assist your child in performing better in the classroom.  Good right?  There are also 2 or more observations per year on your child's teacher to see how s/he actually teaches.  In our district, you have to hit a series of talking points (based on research) during your evaluations, nerve racking but also good.  In addition, there is an overall rating rubric with standards of good teaching against which you are measured.  Now there is the attendance policy.  In order to receive a highly effective rating in this area, you can miss no more than 3 days of school.  Again, good right?  After all, teachers don't even work year round.  And while that's true, 3 days is hardly anything.  Case in point, I am a mother of 2 so my kids get sick at least once a year...each.  That's probably 2 days each kid for each illness.  That already puts me over the limit on days.  Don't you have someone to watch them when their sick?  Well, I used to, but my parents and mother in law are in their seventies now and I don't want to explain to my siblings that some minor illness that my kids had killed Dad and Mom.  My mother in law recently survived cancer so her immune system in non existent so she is definitely out.  The kids' father?  Yeah, he absolutely refuses to do it.  Somehow he feels that because he makes more money than me, that he can't possibly take the day off.  He works a ridiculous number of hours for his company, not even one day off is acceptable?  Can't say he'd be the best nurse as he'd be on conference calls all day. Besides, I am their mother and I want to care for them when they are sick.

And I love the advice we all get about how to keep our absences to a minimum.  Make doctor's appointments after school hours.  I'm sorry, have you tried to make an appointment with a specialist lately.  They have one free day, 3 months from now, smack dab in the middle of the school day.  And if you don't take that appointment, you will have to wait until the new year. Trust me, if you are calling a specialist, you can't afford to wait a year.  Can I get the usual routine stuff done in the summer? Sure.  And I did manage to find a dentist that has appointments after school if you book way in advance but the little medical surprises can't wait until summer.  When my kid had a severe reaction to walnuts, I burned half a day taking him to the allergist to get an epi-pen so he doesn't die next time.  Yeah, that one couldn't wait.  The time I potentially had ovarian cancer, that couldn't wait either.

So, this year I got a highly effective rating in the area of attendance.  Want to know how?  That's my dirty little secret.  I took half and quarter days off to get my kids to those appointments with the specialists and fortunately they didn't get sick beyond a cold this year.  So I managed to stay within the 3 days.  The dirty part is that I wasn't as lucky as the kids, I got sick, 3 times.  And I came to work sick each and every one of those times.  Oh yeah, the last time I actually spiked a fever at work, took some ibuprofen and kept on working.  Oh and FYI, it was right before a big holiday break when people go on vacation.  So your kid should start spiking that fever just before you reach the Mackinaw bridge.  Should make for a fun weekend.  I have also gone to work with influenza A but, in my defense, I didn't know that's what I had because I didn't want to waste a day off work to go to the doctor.  I finally discovered that I had it when I passed it along to my son.

So yes, we are all coming to work sick because we have to save our missed days to care for our children and elderly parents.  We save our days for those unexpected medical issues, such as that pesky breast biopsy, that can't wait until summer.  So we drug ourselves up and we show up at work and we do the best we can.  And, your kid might get sick as a result.  And you might say, the attendance doesn't count for very much of the total evaluation score but in this age of shrinking populations and families on the move, we teachers need every point we can get.  Those measly points might be the difference between you getting laid off or that poor bastard that stayed home with the flu getting laid off. It sometimes actually comes down to 1 point.  Even before these standards were in place your lay off could be determined by the most random thing.  I know 2 library specialists who were both hired on the same exact day in the same exact year.  They had to lay off one of them so they put their names in a hat a drew one.  Imagine, losing your job by getting picked from a hat.  So you can see why those little points are so important.  You never know.  So yes, as long as this policy is in place, I will continue to come to work sick.  And if you don't like it, better buy your kid a hazmat suit cause we're all doing it. Now our secret is out.

Teach Your Children!!!!

A very wise Social Worker once said about the children who are now entering our schools, "We are now having to teach children skills that they used to come to school already knowing. This is our new challenge."

If you haven't been inside of an elementary school lately, you might wonder what skills are lacking.  Is it Math? Reading? Science?  No, she was referring to more basic things than academics, and it is true that many of us are guilty of not teaching these things anymore.  So here's a list of the things teachers wish your kids knew when they entered school.

1. How to dress themselves.  It might be hard to believe, but many kids come to school without these skills, especially kids with stay at home moms.  Kids in childcare usually learn dressing skills by necessity as the childcare staff are outnumbered and zipping your own coat means more outdoor playtime.  By the age of 3, your child should be able to put a coat on and take it off herself with some assistance getting the zipper started.  By 5, he should be able to start the zipper and zip up himself.  Also in this category, zipping and snapping pants and buttoning shirts.  And parents of daughters, do us a favor and stop sending your girls in bodysuits that snap in the crotch.  For legal reasons, we are not going to help with that.

2. How to Tie Shoes:  I will admit that I am guilty of not teaching my kids this skills until way too

late.  The problem is those damn velcro shoes.  The velcro shoes have all the cool lights and superheroes on them.  The tie shoes were always more boring and weren't selected as often.  And so I was mortified when I watched my 9 year old ask the referee to tie his soccer cleats for him during a time out.  We went out the next day and bought tie shoes for both kids and they were forced to learn.  This can be a hard skill for some kids and it takes time which is why many of us keep putting it off but it important to take the time to teach it.  If your child struggles, buy a pair of spare shoes that tie and practice at home on the weekend when you can devote more time.  Also, an Occupational Therapist friend suggested coloring one half of the shoelace  a different color with a sharpie marker.  This helps the child to see which lace they are holding and which they are wrapping around.  A friend of mine actually cut 2 different colored laces in half and sewed the halves together.  It worked great.

3. How to use a toilet.  Do kids actually come to school without being potty trained?  Yes, unfortunately, they do.  The age at which children become potty trained seems to be later and later. I personally blame Pull-Ups.  Pull-Ups are the worst thing to happen to potty training, ever.  A pull up is just a DIAPER! Children cannot tell the difference between the 2.  If you want to potty train your children they need to be wearing underwear.  And yes, older parents who have a house full of expensive furniture, they will pee on your couch, floor, etc.  It's only pee, get a decent urine stain remover from the pet supply store and get over it.  Also, no one is going to help your child wipe in preschool or Kindergarten so please include wiping when potty training.  For children with special needs or those difficult to train children, try an enuresis monitor.  These are meant for bedwetting but work great for difficult to train kids.  There is a sensor that clips to the underwear and a vibrating alarm that pins to the back of their clothing.  It will beep when even the slightest bit of water gets on it.  You then rush them off the the bathroom.  Also, teach them to clean themselves up after an accident and put clothes in the wash.  Potty training takes vigilance and persistence and we are all busy but this is a vital school skill.  And unless your child has developmental delays or some medical necessity, don't you dare send them to school in a pull-up.

4. How to sit.  Sitting? Really?  Uh, yeah.  I am not suggesting that children sit for long periods of time but teaching your child to sit for 5 minutes to do an activity would be so helpful.  Whether its playing with blocks, listening to a story, or coloring with crayons, children need to be able to sit for a few minutes and attend to an activity.  Oh, and I understand that your child can play a game on your phone for 3 hours easily.  That doesn't count.  They need to be doing something non electronic hopefully involving their hands.

5. How to eat at a table.  To piggyback off the #4, you also need to teach your child to sit at a table for meals.  Many children don't sit for meals, they run around the house with some sort of finger food in their hand.  At school they will have 15 minutes to eat lunch.  They will be expected to sit at a table to do this and running around is frowned upon by the lunch parents.  Do your kid a favor, and feed them dinner at the table.  If they get up, plop their butt right back on the chair and keep doing it until they learn to sit. As an added bonus, your next trip to a restaurant will be much more enjoyable as well.

6. How to eat with utensils.  There is nothing worse than the family gathering together

for Thanksgiving dinner and having to be subjected to your children shoving mashed potatoes in their mouths using their hands because you never taught them to use a fork.  Or how about when you 10 year old goes out to dinner with the neighbors and has to ask someone to cut up his meat because he has no idea how to use a knife.    Most 3 year-olds should be able to use a spoon and fork and by 5 they should be starting to use a knife.  I admit that this is a skill I HATED teaching to my kids.  It took a really long time and I can't tell you how many times I have said the words "use a fork" or "cut that up" but I am grateful that I started early and kept on them.  We can take them anywhere for dinner and they don't eat like cave people.   

7. How to entertain themselves without electronics.  While teachers try to keep things moving all the time, there will be lulls in the action.  Papers need to be passed out, unexpected guests stop by, and students will have to entertain themselves while the teacher takes care of business. You don't have to whip out your cell phone every time you have to wait for the waitress to bring the food or their sibling has dance class.  Help your child come up with other options for waiting.

8. How to follow a direction. I have seen many parents follow their children around giving

directions that never get followed.  A parent came to pick up her child at my home after a play date and kept saying, "pick up these toys before we go." Her child's response was to look at her and then run off in the other direction.  She proceeded to follow him around repeating the direction over and over while he continued to ignore her.  Then she started making threats like, "no ice cream later..."  which he also ignored.  Finally, they left without the child ever doing what she had asked AND he got that ice cream anyway.  Do yourself a favor and, if your child doesn't follow your direction, MAKE THEM.  I was partial to the marionette method.  If my kids wouldn't follow the clean up direction, I would move their arms like a puppet and "help" them pick up the toys eventually they realized that they might as well do what I said as they knew I would make them do it anyway.  Now, I am not saying that my kids follow every direction but they do most of the time.  If your child doesn't follow directions, they are in for a rude awakening the first day of school and so are you. 

9. How to use the words please, thank you, and sorry.  I am not a huge etiquette person.  I think many rules of etiquette are outmoded and unnecessary but children should learn to treat others with respect.  When you or someone else gives your child something, prompt them to say thank you.  When they ask for something, have them add please on the end.  If they do something wrong, in addition to repairing the situation, they should say sorry.  Your child does not have to be ready to dine with the Queen but she should at least have a basic knowledge of manners.  These simple words will make your child more likable to other children as well as adults.  Believe me, children notice lapses in politeness and many will not play with a child who is rude.

There are about 100 other skills that are important but not listed here.  Parenting is a hard job.  It takes time and persistence.  You cannot parent from your couch with your TV or while texting your friends or playing games on your phone.  You actually have to get down on the floor and spend time with your kids and yes, you will have to remind them a thousand times before they master these skills.  And, if that's too much for you, do us all a favor and get yourself some birth control.